Happy new year! Everything is absolutely meaningless and you know I’m not joking. So here’s what you do: make some nachos, takes a seat, read these horoscopes and then do whatever the hell you want! You’re free! Aries, March 21 — April 19 After waking up without your car keys…

2018 draws to a close, and it couldn’t happen to a finer group of misery-laden fools. So what can we look forward to as we countdown to the end of days — I mean end of the year? Not too much. Commercialism, mostly. A spider in your boot, if you’re…

They say November is a time to be thankful but honestly I don’t get it. The weather is bad. People are playing terrible xmas music. Parades are fuckin DUMB. I guess you could be thankful you’re not dead yet. …

Happy October, gouls! What better way to kick off this super spooky month than with a nonchalant description of your final moments on Earth? There’s no telling when your death will happen, but at least you can constantly lie awake at night in fear of it! Aries, March 21 —…

Happy Virgo season, or whatever the hell the kids are calling it these days. But is it really happy? Everything is slowly dying, the year is almost over and YOU haven’t accomplished anything, have you? Your parents must be disappointed. Aries, March 21 — April 19 A big trip, or…

Here we go again. Welcome to August, and here’s the depressing forecast for this already sad summer. Good luck, losers, you’ll need it. Aries, March 21 — April 19 The Farmer’s Almanac would tell you the full moon on the 26th is an excellent time to plant your harvest but…

The stench of hot garbage is in the air and your palms are perpetually sweaty. Must be July already! But before you walk straight into the ocean and never look back, why not take a glance at your horoscope? Aries, March 21 — April 19 You’ve got some sort of…

Bibliomancy is when you predict the future through a randomly chosen passage in a book. It’s especially useful at 3am when you remember that you still haven’t written any of next month’s horoscopes. But they really are telling, if you read WAY too much into them. Good luck! Aries, March…

Sometimes people take their astrological sign too seriously. They believe Taurus’ are stubborn to a fault, Virgo’s are neat freaks and an Aries is CONSTANTLY horny. These people are absolutely right. Always err on the side of caution with horoscopes, you’ll be glad you’re living enveloped by crippling fear! Aries…