Here we go again. Welcome to August, and here’s the depressing forecast for this already sad summer. Good luck, losers, you’ll need it.
Aries, March 21 — April 19
The Farmer’s Almanac would tell you the full moon on the 26th is an excellent time to plant your harvest but who the fuck FARMS anymore? It’s 2018 ffs, just go ahead and go grocery shopping that night.
Taurus, April 20 — May 20
If you’re going to be an emotional eater at least make it something organic. It’s a scary world out there and who knows what they are putting in your food. Probably horse tranquilizers, if you’re lucky.
Gemini, May 21 — June 20
All eyes are on you every where you go Gemini… so what is it about you this month? The new asymmetrical (yikes!) haircut? The shoes you maybe (definitely) paid too much for? Nah. Your pants are stained.
Cancer, June 21 — July 22
Crack your domestic knuckles this month, and tend to matters of the home. Sure, bake that pie you saw on Martha Stewart but mostly by “matters of the home” I mean pay your damn rent this month because eviction is no joke!
Leo, July 23 — August 22
It’s your season, as they’ve been saying. And by “they” I mean 20-year old girls who love crystals and spell magic with a “k.” But you know what? Screw it, it is your season, Leo. You deserve something special!
Virgo, August 23 — September 22
Luck is in the horizon Virgo and I have two important words for you: Mega. Millions. Dude how fucking crazy would it be if you won the lottery? Well, you won’t. But you’re learning a lesson. Don’t gamble, idiot.
Libra, September 23 — October 21
It’s time for a career move. And you’re in luck, someone wants you on their team AS WE SPEAK. So why not sign that dotted line? On second thought, maybe don’t. Mercury is in retrograde until the 19th.
Scorpio, October 22 — November 21
You’re in deep shit this month, Scorp. Someone is looking for you, and it’s not to give you a surprise hug. Do you owe anyone money? Did you vomit on anyone’s shoes? Did you tell someone their haircut looked good but it was a LIE?
Sagittarius, November 22 — December 21
There’s good luck headed your way this month, but before you get excited — know that it does not include the following: extra cash, career opportunities, romantic bliss, good hair days, and definitely not your health.
Capricorn, December 22 — January 19
This month you’ll meet a tall dark stranger, but like, ABNORMALLY tall like, “How’s the weather up there, weirdo?” But honestly, don’t be so judgy. You could use some taller friends. Weirdo.
Aquarius, January 20 — February 18
Some people call it a “moment of clarity” (and those people are alcoholics) but you’re in for it the week of the 20th. If you’ve been waiting on making a big decision, now is th time to do it. Tick tock.
Pisces, February 19 — March 20
Get some rest! A missed alarm could cost you a golden opportunity this month! Although really, what news can possibly be better than sleeping through the pain of this reality, amiright?
If you liked your horoscope this month, why not LOVE it?
>> Follow me on Twitter for some non-astrological sadness.
>> Or Instagram, I guess?
>> Check out my postcard blog, Glad You’re Not Here!
>> Find out where I am and send me money! J/K weirdos.
Morgan S is a writer that may or may not know the future. She has always lived in Brooklyn and definitely has a complex about it. She likes the idea of cats, but doesn’t have any.
