Move over, T.S. Elliot, it’s August, not April, that is the cruelest month. Here’s why he’s wrong. For one, it’s steamy as a fresh turd out there, and you’ll have to go about your day dealing with pit-stains and swamp-crotch. Also, reaching August means we’re well into the year. Another year closer to your demise! Lastly, he’s a dead guy so what good is that info now?
Be prepared for the month with these terrible interpretations of your zodiac sign!
Aries, March 21 — April 19
Aries, if you can’t take the heat — too friggin bad, it’s August. You may think the situation you’re in totally blows, but it’s just that, a moment. Get busy making plans and if the universe doesn’t hate you — it’ll work out. Sorta.
Taurus, April 20 — May 20
I KNOW you swear you don’t, but you actually do owe that person $20. Just do it so they’ll stop bothering you, it’s only $20. You’ll make it up in no time (because you won’t get fired this week YAY!) Lucky Color: Yellow
Gemini, May 21 — June 20
If you get someone else’s mail in the next two weeks — DON’T OPEN IT! It’s not anthrax or anything, but it is a criminal offense. You don’t need to be psychic to know that either. Common sense (or a Virgo) is your best friend this month.
Cancer, June 21 — July 22
You love tacos. I get it, tacos can be great. But tacos aren’t EVERYTHING. There’s more to life than the one thing you’re currently fixated on. Start looking beyond tacos and you’ll see theres a whole world of snacks out there!
Leo, July 23 — August 22
Your lion-sized ego is a real turn off, and this month you may find yourself SOLO DURING WEDDING SEASON OMG! Take the opportunity to hook up with the cute guy/gal at the open bar and turn your life around you hot fucking mess! Lucky Color: Green
Virgo, August 23 — September 22
If a friend approaches you in need of help, you should do it. But remember, there’s no such thing as a free lunch. What is your help worth? I’d say AT LEAST $15. And on’t forget when people owe you money. Your savings are in the negative.
Libra, September 23 — October 21
This month you will be blamed for a missing pet. I know, I know, you don’t even like pets but doesn’t that make you even MORE suspicious? Even I don’t know how to walk back on this accusation so prepare to go halfsies on Fluffy the 2nd.
Scorpio, October 22 — November 21
This month may find you backed into a corner, but don’t freak out. Sometimes struggling makes it worse. Kinda like quicksand! A near-death (I mean in an embarrassing “OMG I could DIE) experience on the 5th will send solo scorpio searching for THE ONE.
Sagittarius, November 22 — December 21
Whatever shit happens to hit the fan this month, you’ll be able to wipe it away like NBD. There’s always a silver lining with you. That’s just the way you are, an eternal optimist. It’s a gift I guess, or maybe a horrible, horrible curse.
Capricorn, December 22 — January 19
You’ve been slaving away for a “beach bod”, joining cult-like gyms and diving into weird trendy diets where all you consume is your own fear. Surely you can’t be this unhappy with yourself? Find a gentle earth-sign that will accept you for the weird cult-member you are.
Aquarius, January 20 — February 18
While you’re out being the change you want to see in this world, remember to not be such a pious asshole. A misinterpreted “tone” may bite you in the ass (probably figurative) on the 18th if you don’t. Take this time to learn about yourself and change that before you take on the rest of the world.
Pisces, February 19 — March 20
True to your sign, you’ve found yourself out of your element and wildly flapping around for help. Find a companion that will help you find your calm. An aggressive Scorpio would be a fun change of pace, and bring some much-needed balance to the both of you.
If you liked your horoscope this month, my not LOVE it? ❤
Morgan S is a writer that may or may not know the future. She has always lived in Brooklyn and definitely has a complex about it. She likes the idea of cats, but doesn’t have any.