DECEMBER HOROSCOPES
2018 draws to a close, and it couldn’t happen to a finer group of misery-laden fools. So what can we look forward to as we countdown to the end of days — I mean end of the year? Not too much. Commercialism, mostly. A spider in your boot, if you’re Greg Harmon, from Peoria. Ironically, he’s a Scorpio. Oh, and the following:
Aries, March 21 — April 19
You’ll ruin your fifth pair of pants this month. I wont say how publicly because that would be MORTIFYING but seriously dude get it together. Surprise mail on the 15th is more surprising than you think.
Taurus, April 20 — May 20
You’ve been wrestling with a question for a few months, don’t let it go unchecked and wait till the last minute YOU ALWAYS DO THAT. Your luckiest day of the year will be the 29th, so don’t push it.
Gemini, May 21 — June 20
You’ve got a lot of non-denominational seasonal parties to attend this year, so pace yourself and stay hydrated. Also, don’t get too involved with the peppermint schnapps, we all know how last year went.
Cancer, June 21 — July 22
Save money next year, don’t resolve to join a gym or start a macro juice cleanse. You brag about this shit every year: “new year, new you” whatever. Then you quit by mid-March to the absolute surprise of no one. Stop.
Leo, July 23 — August 22
For fucks sake Leo when will you learn: GET THE GIFT RECEIPTS! You think you are a really thoughtful gift giver but you are not. No one ever wants the body-wash sampler from Bath and Body Works. Who ARE you, even?
Virgo, August 23 — September 22
You’ll find out the hard way that you are VIOLENTLY allergic to fake snow. It’s not like you’ll die or anything, but holy shit that rash is gonna be sooooo gnarly. Isn’t it funny how some idiots call snow “magical?”
Libra, September 23 — October 21
Stop trying to be a people pleaser. You don’t need to find out what each person celebrates this time of year and make them a customized greeting. PS, it’s gonna be HILARIOUS when the end comes and everyone finds out Kwanzaa was the one we shoulda been celebrating THE WHOLE TIME!
Scorpio, October 22 — November 21
Scorpio, if you are wondering why no one asked you to be their “plus one” at the office holiday party, it’s because you are kinda creepy. Keep it zipped up, that’s all.
Sagittarius, November 22 — December 21
You’ll slip in a parking lot on the 9th. How bad? Well, how much do you enjoy suing people? I mean it’s a pain in the ass but ALSO, you do have so many items on lay-away.
Capricorn, December 22 — January 19
I can’t believe you set your in-laws curtains on fire. Jesus.
Aquarius, January 20 — February 18
It’s a bit hazy but you’ll either forget to defrost a ham or overcook your brisket. Either way, at least one person will leave your home disappointed. You know what though, fuck em. EMBRACE YOUR HAM.
Pisces, February 19 — March 20
We get it, you aren’t into the whole “jolly” “merry” “joy” thing. But you should know, the more sanctimonious you get about it — the more people want to take a shit in your hat. So remember that — and also just peek into your hat before putting it on.
If you liked your horoscope this month, why not LOVE it?
>> Follow me on Twitter for some non-astrological sadness.
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Morgan S is a writer that may or may not know the future. She has always lived in Brooklyn and definitely has a complex about it. She likes the idea of cats, but doesn’t have any.
