Dim.

Via text on March 13th, 2020:
“Please come over later. I don’t want to be alone in this.”
And he wasn’t.

We had already been seeing each-other for a bit over a year. He had moved within walking distance of me. We went to parties together. I flew out to meet him in LA. He flew out to meet me in Madrid. I bullied him into adopting a cat. When stay-at-home orders started, we were at each other’s side. Cooking for each other. Listening to each other. Holding each other. After 33 years declaring there was no such thing as love I let myself get vulnerable. I allowed myself to love someone, and let them love me. It was, a pessimist like me would say, “Actually pretty good.”

Via text on April 14th, 2021:
“I don’t know what I want, but I need to talk to you.”
But he didn’t.

It was months since he asked me to move in with him. It was a week after I flew back from meeting his parents. And it was a mere three days after he had had taken me out to dinner, our first restaurant since quarantine more than a a year prior. And when I finally met him to talk there was no discussion, just an blunt explanation. I was simply distracting him from “moving forward” and that it was actually me, his caring girlfriend, who was preventing him from getting a divorce.

At the time, I was too busy bawling my eyes out to realize how completely psychotic and cruel that sounds.For two years he changed me for the better, made me think that I was a person deserving of love, but the whole time I was holding him back? Every good memory we’ve ever shared suddenly felt like… shit. Even the cat.

Everything dimmed. So quick. There’s so much in my life right now I should be happy about. A new job. A new apartment. But it’s marred. And now I feel alone. Who do I talk to? Who will I bake for? Who will I send tiktoks to?

And I know this is a story everyone has told, and yet doesn’t it feel like no one has ever felt as ruined as you do? I guess there is no lesson here. Except maybe take responsibility for your own problems instead of blaming someone that loves you. Or maybe don’t bother falling in love in the first place.