Heartbreaking February Horoscopes
Hot, fresh and out of this world. Your February horoscopes have arrived just in time for you to rely on a few lines of text to govern your whole month and your love life. Enjoy! xoxo
Aries, March 21 — April 19
The details are a bit hazy Aries, but it looks like someone has a crush on you!
Oh no wait, that’s wrong.
Actually it’s someone wants to crush you.
Yeah, sorry about that. Stay diligent.
Taurus, April 20 — May 20
Good news, you have a secret admirer! Bad news, you will not be pleased with the outcome! But that’s okay. There would be no love without disappointment. And there would be no disappointment if you weren’t reading this horoscope. FULL CIRCLE.
Gemini, May 21 — June 20
(S)He loves you. (S)He loves you not. (S)He loves you. (S)He loves you not. Who cares? (S)He loves you for your money. Better close that bank account before you get conned, sucker. Your lucky number is any multiple of 3.
Cancer, June 21 — July 22
Cancer, it’s scary out there. What with the super viruses, STDs and radical alt-right terrorism, maybe just stay in for a bit! But just a bit — no one likes a shut in. Look out for free money and falling debris this month.
Leo, July 23 — August 22
Whatever you are fighting about, let it go. No one likes showing up to the Valentine’s Day shindig solo, and at the rate you two are bickering — it may just be you. This month an exciting phone call comes your way — but the number is unlisted.
Virgo, August 23 — September 22
I’m just gonna give it to you straight Virgo — you are a pain in the ass. Maybe if you weren’t so difficult, you wouldn’t be alone. That’s right, settle. Settle for someone you’re better than. At least you’ll have a good reason to leave later on.
Libra, September 23 — October 21
You think Valentine’s Day is for amateurs Libra, and we can’t help but agree. Why not spend the night binge watching some procedural dramas and eating cheese? That’s something fun to do if you are a couple OR by yourself! Lucky number: 45
Scorpio, October 22 — November 21
A little advice on gift-giving, your valentine won’t be looking at the price tag. Sometimes when people say “It’s the thought that counts” they actually mean it . Put that money towards something good — karma smiles favorably on you this month.
Sagittarius, November 22 — December 21
Are you familiar with the term ‘looking for love in all the wrong places’? That includes bars in the meat-packing district, the petting zoo and your local White Castle. Just be patient, Sagittarius. Power color: Grey.
Capricorn, December 22 — January 19
Roses are red
Their leaves are green
They aren’t that into you
If you know what I mean
(Seriously, the police are going to get involved.)
Aquarius, January 20 — February 18
You’ve never been a fan of the cardboard heart-lined aisles and glitter-covered cards this month tends to bring. So sweet, so fake. Screw commercialism Aquarius. You and your significant other don’t need a day to prove shit. Stay away from birds on the 24th.
Pisces, February 19 — March 20
A new relationship is blossoming, but be patient! You don’t want to look too clingy. The only thing worse than a needy Pisces is a clown. Or a gang of clowns. That’s the worst. Later this month is a good time to make vacation plans.