Happy new year! Everything is absolutely meaningless and you know I’m not joking. So here’s what you do: make some nachos, takes a seat, read these horoscopes and then do whatever the hell you want! You’re free!
Aries, March 21 — April 19
After waking up without your car keys again, you’ll resolve to stop drinking. Once you realize that it’s impossible to give up on that toxic relationship, you’ll just resolve to give up your car instead.
Taurus, April 20 — May 20
On the 14th you’ll find a wallet. Inside you’ll find $20, George Sarilii’s state ID, his expired library card and a completed “Buy 9 get the 10th burrito free” card from Chipotle. Mail it all back. The burrito will give you the runs.
Gemini, May 21 — June 20
Remember how in high school you had to dissect a frog and you kept telling everyone how into it you were but once you cut that bad-boy open you barfed? That’s life for you, it sounds cool but it’s just fucking repulsive. Also people are so much meaner now!
Cancer, June 21 — July 22
All you did last year was complain that no one helped you out or let you borrow their car or asked you to be their best friend forever. But did you do anything but be a major dick to everyone? You’d be surprised what being kind can do, try it out this year.
Leo, July 23 — August 22
Leo, be careful handling chocolate sauce this month. Also babies. Both are slippery and make an awful mess when you drop them! Play your cards right and neither of these will ruin your clothes or your reputation. Instead, look out for good news on the 10th!
Virgo, August 23 — September 22
Virgo, I know you’re still mad at Uncle Doug for not adhering to standard Monopoly rules but he still won fair and square and that’s no reason to stop speaking to your entire family OR slash anyone’s tires. Get over it, it’s a terrible game anyway.
Libra, September 23 — October 21
Imagine being the kind of person who makes RESOLUTIONS this time of year? I mean, get real — goals are where it’s at. No one can judge you for giving up on your goals, but it does sound way worse when you admit you have.
Scorpio, October 22 — November 21
Asking “Is cannibalism legal?” could land you in hot water with the HR department this month, but you don’t need them. Clarity shines in the house of your career, and soon you’ll find a gig where you can ask all the murder-y questions you want.
Sagittarius, November 22 — December 21
It’s your least favorite time of year. People are so cheerful and making plans and it’s just too much for you. And if you don’t relax you are gonna have an aneurism. Thankfully, I have two words for you: Bob Ross. Say it with me slowly — a l i z a r i n c r i m s o n.
Capricorn, December 22 — January 19
Don’t go to the zoo. All your friends say, “C’mon, it’ll be fun!”
But it won’t.
Please stay home.
Aquarius, January 20 — February 18
Is it really much of a horoscope to tell you that you’re going to waste good money on a gym membership (again) only to never go (again) and complain you don’t have any cash on you? Again! Just lie about working out like the rest of us.
Pisces, February 19 — March 20
With a clear head and inspiration on your side, it’s a great time to start planning a big trip for later this year. However, be very mindful of the company you take. Do you really want to sit next to Karen for 6+ hours…. in economy? Not even Economy PLUS.
If you liked your horoscope this month, why not LOVE it?
>> Follow me on Twitter for some non-astrological sadness.
>> Or Instagram, I guess?
>> Check out my postcard blog, Glad You’re Not Here!
>> Find out where I am and send me money! J/K weirdos.
Morgan S is a writer that may or may not know the future. She has always lived in Brooklyn and definitely has a complex about it. She likes the idea of cats, but doesn’t have any.
