JULY HOROSCOPES
The stench of hot garbage is in the air and your palms are perpetually sweaty. Must be July already! But before you walk straight into the ocean and never look back, why not take a glance at your horoscope?
Aries, March 21 — April 19
You’ve got some sort of bug, maybe it’s the flu, MAYBE IT’S BOTULISM but JK it’s just a travel bug. But don’t. A set of lost luggage is in your future, so I must advise against making any hasty decisions and purchases unless you lurve disappointment.
Taurus, April 20 — May 20
You have too many goals Taurus. Sometimes you put all your eggs in one basket, and you fucking hate eggs anyway so what’s that all about, huh? Pick a few things, start small, shoot for the gutter and not the moon. Give it a rest.
Gemini, May 21 — June 20
Expect to be so friggin chill this month it’s gonna freak everyone out. Don’t get TOO chill though.Then you might forget something important, like sending your rent check or picking up friends at the airport or even existing. Imagine though?
Cancer, June 21 — July 22
You’ve been feeling bored, but with time and self-medication, it’ll pass. A small chunk of money flows in at the top of the month, but spend it wisely. After all, money can’t buy you happiness, unless happiness is exactly $754.
Leo, July 23 — August 22
Eclipses in Leo mean change. So follow directions and do what the stars say! They say to expand your horizons, so maybe try a new hair cut or something. I mean would it kill you to read a book for chrissakes? It’s fundamental.
Virgo, August 23 — September 22
The week of the 15th brings a letter (of all things?!) which gives you the answer you’ve been waiting for all summer. Why a letter though? That’s so weird! Old school. Anyway, hope you’re finally happy. Because no one else is!
Libra, September 23 — October 21
Burn down your home. Not literally but… I mean you COULD literally do it but arson charges are hard to beat. Family issues are simmering under the surface and while most people advise peaceful mediation I say screw it.
Scorpio, October 22 — November 21
You’re old enough to know better about trends. For instance, the whole bangin’ beach bod thing will only take you so far, you know. Besides, you’ve been working out so much you’re starting to look all gross and veiny.
Sagittarius, November 22 — December 21
Have you been taking care of you finances? You never know when you’ll need some extra cash, but I DO! July 27th is a great day to get organized, and if that means cleaning out you or someone else’s bank account, go ahead gurl.
Capricorn, December 22 — January 19
You don’t have to be a psychic to know that you hate your day job, but your dreams of being an ~*~influencer~*~ need to go on the back burner for now. It’s important to stay put for now. Plus, aren’t shitty office snacks kinda great?
Aquarius, January 20 — February 18
Between canvassing for political change, diving into a new hobby and still maintaining your 9–5, you’ve taken on a lot this year. You HAVE to take a break or by the new moon, or you’ll find yourself physically and emotionally empty.
Pisces, February 19 — March 20
Do you have plans for the future? Not just talking about your 5-year plan here but like, the big picture! Where are you retiring to? Can you even retire? Dude, start thinking about it b/c Social Security is a hot mess!
If you liked your horoscope this month, why not LOVE it?
>> Follow me on Twitter for some non-astrological sadness.
>> Or Instagram, I guess?
>> Check out my postcard blog, Glad You’re Not Here!
>> Find out where I am and send me money! J/K weirdos.
Morgan S is a writer that may or may not know the future. She has always lived in Brooklyn and definitely has a complex about it. She likes the idea of cats, but doesn’t have any.
