Recently, the entire Internet shit their pants because a couple of teens were barred from boarding a flight just for wearing leggings. Turns out these gals were on a free flight and were not upholding the dress code, so United stuck by their decision. However, the nation would forever remain divided.
Now, we can argue all day about whether this move is sexist, but the truth no one but United Airlines and I are brave enough to admit is that wearing leggings-as-pants is an awful trend and should get you banned from EVERYWHERE.
I stand with United, but why stop at leggings? Here are some more things they can add to their no-entry list:
Babies
Let’s start with the crying elephant in the room. No one likes babies on a plane, not even their owners. They’re noisy, smell weird, and are usually covered in some unidentifiable but equally nauseating substance, so of course no one wants to be stuck in a cylinder whizzing through the air with one of them! Just seeing a baby near the gate is enough to make anyone in the vicinity clench their anus, so there’s no question that attempting to carry one of these tiny disasters onto a plane should get you barred until they’re at least 13.
Toe Sneakers
You know those weird-ass shoes that separate each toe? Yeah, those are seriously fucking disturbing. Why would you let someone who wears them on a plane? What’s the point? Oh, it’s good for running you say? Well, you thawed-out caveman that just found out about fitness — we’re going to be sitting together for 10 hours so give it a rest bud. If you see these sneakers approaching, stop them from boarding and lording their ultra-healthy lifestyle over everyone who just wants to mix their meds and those mini-bottles of schnapps. That brings me to…
People Who Look Like They’ll Take Off Their Shoes & Dangle Them in The Aisle Like Monsters
I get it, sometimes you just want to be comfy on when you have to sit still as you go cross-country for the wedding of your sister’s college roommate. But you know what? No. No one ever said planes were supposed to be comfy. You cannot wear leggings and you can absolutely not take off your shoes. And don’t even think about breaching your space to hang your gross meaty feet out in the aisle like the piece of trash you are. This is a plane, not a goddamn coffee table, have some respect.
Men In Wifebeaters / Men Who Are Wifebeaters
Get real guys, if you’re gonna ban leggings then you need to ban wifebeaters or that’s some sexist bullshit. Let’s paint a picture: a man approaches the gate. He’s demanding he board early, even though he’s economy class and smells like he’s been drinking. He’s greasy and points aggressively. He’s wearing a wifebeater — most likely stained. I bet he beats his wife, too. DON’T LET HIM ON THE PLANE FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT HIS FANTASY SPORTS TEAM.
Poo Breath
You know when you want to be nice and shake hands with someone but then they open their mouth and it’s like, jesusfuckingchrist how do you live with this? Honestly, it’s entirely possible to stop poo breath before it enters the cabin of a plane in so many ways and yet, it’s still a problem! SOLUTIONS:
Option 1) Staff, give a lil sniff before you let them aboard. Stop PB before it starts.
Option 2) If you smell Poo Breath, offer them breath mints.
Option 3) If you think you yourself may have Poo Breath, brush your god damn teeth.
People That Give You Recommendations For Your Arrival City Even Though You NEVER ASKED FOR THEM.
Sometimes I can be nice, I’ll say hello to the person I’m forced to sit with and tell them where I’m visiting. But unless I ask, I’m not really looking for your Top 10 Instagram opportunities. Sure, everyone’s entitled to their opinion, but don’t go thinking every asshole that visits California wants to go to In & Out Burger. And stop telling me to order fries “animal style” like you’re some goddamn VIP. Just read your SkyMall and shut up. Don’t let these obnoxious folk on the flight.
Terrorists (Homegrown and Overseas)
Obviously.
