SPOOPY OCTOBER HOROSCOPES!
Let’s face it you basic bitches, October is about one thing and one thing only: pumpkin spice! J/K that shit is gnarly. But you are close — October only exists as a fast track to the 31st, when we act like fucking idiots in the name of Halloween. So what’s on the horizon for your all hallows eve? MURDER!
J/K but really…death lurks around every corner!
Aries, March 21 — April 19
Of course Aries, you’re not going to be dressing up of anything, because you’re “above it” and being “into” halloween is LAME. That is, until you’ve had your third caramel-appletini. Then you’re sluttin it up with the other “sexy sheep” costumes out there. How the mighty have fallen.
Taurus, April 20 — May 20
This year you’re dusting off some old formal wear and going as a zombie on prom night. In reality, this has been your ‘go-to’ costume since your actual prom night. But at least this constant means you’ll spend less time at Party City and more time doing stuff you actually care about.
Gemini, May 21 — June 20
Your favorite thing about October is the parties, for sure. And you happen to throw the best ones. You love socializing, but you get kinda bitchy if we all end up deviating from the itinerary. A tip: this year, put out some crackers. You’ll end up with less people passed out in their own vomit.
Cancer, June 21 — July 22
You’re more of a “get together with your besties and watch scary movies” kinda person. Usually you guys do a group costume thing but SOMEONE bailed this year. You’ll stew about having to buy a last minute costume at CVS but you’re over it pretty quick. It’s really just about the memories, man.
Leo, July 23 — August 22
You’ve been waiting all year. You found the sluttiest animal costume that 2017 could provide and you’re ready to show it off at the best halloween party with the best booze. This will result in you creating the BEST vomit this Halloween because you know what Leo? You. Need. To. Chill.
Virgo, August 23 — September 22
You’re all out of sorts because nothing is going your way. You can’t find the wig you wanted and you misplaced your ticked to the Halloween-night concert (why did you not do E-TIX dummy?) Don’t let this hell of a month shake you down! Eventually, November will come. BTW, did you look in between the side table and the bed?
Libra, September 23 — October 21
You’re a real saint the Halloween. You’ve volunteered to stay in and wait for trick-or-treaters that may or may not ever arrive. It’s pretty boring, but you’re smart. NOW THEY OWE YOU ONE! Plus, you just need some time alone to find yourself right now. The world has gone mad.
Scorpio, October 22 — November 21
You’re feeling a bit needy lately and it shows. You’ve ‘plus-one’d to like EVERYTHING. People are starting to talk. But you’re forgetting how fun it is to fly free every now and then! Plus everyone knows that you don’t have the greatest track record with S/Os. You’re kind of a control freak. SRY!
Sagittarius, November 22 — December 21
You can’t sit still, and you can’t make up your mind. Don’t let all these spooky shpilkes worry you, sometimes the stars are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. And THEN they get all mad at each other and project that on to you. Kinda like my mother, when you really think about it.
Capricorn, December 22 — January 19
You’re such a great pal, you old sea goat. Honest to a fault, which may or may not be a good thing. So be careful when your bestie drunkenly confronts you during THE coolest party of the season. THE WORLD IS WATCHING! Okay, not the world, but your LURVE interest is. Be kind.
Aquarius, January 20 — February 18
You act like a real dummy sometimes but I know whats up.You’re playing the long game, Aquarius. You’re helping out at parties, donating your gently used outfit, giving out free hugs. That’s some weird psychopathic mindfuck. Or maybe you’re just super nice. But that’s also kinda weird.
Pisces, February 19 — March 20
Pisces, I’ve saved the most terrifying for last. Do not go out alone this month. Do not stand near any open flames OR sharp edges. Don’t eat any raw eggs and stay away from loose women. Look, it could be nothing. BUT IT COULD BE EVERYTHING.