It’s been a terribly shitty week. It was one depressing and tragic story after another for 7 damn days. It even ruined baseball. And yet one beautiful thing did happen. America was graced with another season of the greatest import since pizza — The Great British Baking show. And while the world crumbled beneath me, 12 all-new amateur bakers lifted me up.
So here is where the two meet. I’ll hide 5 of the week’s crappiest stories inside a pleasant recap of the best show in the entire world. Let’s begin, shall we?
The week started out like any other, with a nonsensical Trump tweet. He said was under investigation. (Then his lawyer said he wasn’t.) It’s all very confusing.
But season 4 of GBBS starts like all the others, in a giant vinyl party tent in the English countryside. The new bakers are introduced and still no one has announced they “Aren’t here to make friends.” Mel and Sue inform us that it is Cake Week. Ready? Set. Bake!
The first challenge is drizzle cake, and the innuendo is thick. The word “moist” is thrown around a lot. The first contestant we hear from is Val. She does kooky little jazzercise routines while she bakes. Right off the bat she tells Paul and Mary she’s using margarine in her cake which is gross.
As gross as Amazon buying Whole Foods for 13.7 billion? Probs. If there’s anything that sucks more than fake butter, it’s capitalism and the ever closer threat of Big Brother.
We hear more from the new contestants, like Andrew, who friggin’ designs jet engines for Rolls-Royce like wow that’s intense and you would rather be crowned “amateur baker”??? Candice, a gym teacher that actually looks like a goth if you ask me and Bake-Off bad boy Salasi, who is calm AF and rides a motorcycle. He steals the show with an exotic drizzle cake that isn’t so exotic that it freaks the older British folk out. This is what happens with Rav, who puts yuzu in his bake but Paul has no clue what a yuzu is. SIGH.
After Paul says “drizzle penetration” I am ready to move on, and we do. The technical challenge is next, and all the bakers are given terrible instructions to create Jaffa Cakes. I’m American so hell if I know what this is but it looks like a layer of jelly on a chocolate-covered muffin top. All the bakers seem to hate this challenge, although everyone is very supportive and giving each other a thumbs up. This show is great.
Baker Jane decides to reverse one of her cakes, just like Trump reversing our relationship-building policy with Cuba! Both are big effin’ mistakes.
PS — Jane’s fun fact is that she likes to bake on the weekend. Cool.
Selasi wins this round and we move on to the showstopper challenge, which is to make a mirror cake. Very trendy! There’s some inventive bakes this round. Youngest baker Michael is making a matcha sponge, but classic Brit Mary Berry is having NONE. OF. IT. Contestant Tom put THREE SHOTS of gin in his cake earlier and puts liquor in his bake again. While I’m kinda into it, jeez. Is this a cry for help?
By the way, New York’s MTA continues to suck SO MUCH ASS but at least Gov Cuomo is giving car owners more HOV lanes…? But enough about our crumbling infrastructure. It’s time for crumb coats on these mirror cakes!
Kate, committing to her bizarre bird fetish, makes a sky blue cake with swallows on it. Unfortunately, her attempt at glaze looks like toothpaste. Benjamina almost has an ugly cry over her glaze, but Sue Perkins saves the day (as per usual) and she ends up with quite a nice bake. Louise has a delightful sounding cake but the judges all agree it looks like shit.
And lastly, Beyonce had twins. Sure, this isn’t terrible, but I hate babies.
I also hate a dry cake, and that’s what Pastor/Baker Lee has made, like some kind of buttercream-hating monster. Mary and Paul share the feeling, and he is our first baker to leave. He says he’ll go back to baking at his sermons.
Next week is biscuit week! Is GBBS helping to numb your existential dread this week? Let me know! ❤
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Morgan S is a writer reads the news but also loves a good bake. She has always lived in Brooklyn and definitely has a complex about it. She likes the idea of cats, but doesn’t have any.
